Long Pauses and Thanking God

Julie Carsen far right with TV camera. "Shooting" the rapids in Austria!

It was a few years ago that I got news that felt like a punch to my stomach. You know what I mean? The kind of phone call where the person on the other end of the receiver sounds grave, and talks with a kind of pause .... they tell you they have news, and then they pause........ those pauses can give one a chance to run a million things thru ones head. You imagine someone died, or a car crash, or really REALLY bad news all in a millisecond.

Well, I got one of those "Pause" calls.

It came when I was at work. I answered a personal call from my daughter who is in the military. She was stationed in Yokota Japan with the Air Force, and serving as a broadcaster for the AFN news. Her career with the Air Force had her doing "jobs" all over the world. She would travel to Guam, Alaska, and all over Japan to do her news stories.
I didn't mind that part of her job as a military journalist. It all sounded extremely exciting and adventurous. I recall her interviewing Condaleeza Rice, famous four star Generals, and doing news reports on inter flight refueling of Military Jets over Alaska!
She often called and told me of the latest exciting assignment...and every time I oohed and awed over her wonderful luck and adventures that the Air Force was giving to her.
Even though my daughter was half way around the world, and far away from family, I had a good feeling about her new career and all the achievements she was accomplishing. I praised her and felt extremely proud every time she told us of the latest award, or acknowledgment. I cryed when she won Airman of the YEAR award, and received a Bronze Statue and medal!

It all seemed to good to be true! I never imagined that joining the military would offer so much adventure and opportunities as Julie often described. All in all, I always had a warm glow when thinking of my daughter, and where life was taking her, and even the fun and silly times she was having being a journalist/broadcast producer for the Air Force, until that fateful day when the "pause" phone call came.


Julieanna in the Eagle Mascot costume, posing for the AFN Yokota Airforce news.
Yokota Japan.

I was sitting down when the phone rang, so I was prepared in a sense, for the news.
It went something like this: " Hi Mom".
I responded with: "Oh HI Julie!! Whats going on!! Are you OK?"

(Controlled, choppy conversational Chit Chat ensued for a comfortable amount of time. Just long enough for a mother to sense that this wasn't the real reason for the phone call.)
As a mother, with that sixth sense we possess, I asked her what was bothering her?

....then came that long "PAUSE"...

...the kind of pause that causes you to get a real sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your heart is racing, and the adrenaline starts shooting up your stomach, to your face and ends in your hands. You get hot, your breathing gets faster, but more shallow, and your heart starts pounding right on cue. Then, the receiver in your hands starts shaking, and you look to sit down, and realize you are sitting down. I guess that's the longest "pause" moment ever..... and its the worst over the phone.
Then the stoic news is given in an artificially cheerful way........

"Well, I just got the news that my unit is deploying to Iraq in September..." (Another quiet pause from both ends, as the news hits.)

Again, my mind races ahead a million times faster than her words are being spoken. Something deep inside signals me to respond with a calm collected answer, even though I want to hang up and cry.
The good and strong supportive mother should answer...... " OH...honey.... I know it will all be okay! You know your job, your well trained, you will be protected....NOTHING bad will happen."
I found out that day, that I am NOT a Good, strong, supportive military mom.

My world crumbled. I fought the urge to scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

I fought a shaky voice that would belie my real feelings.

I fought the shaky hands that trembled my phone receiver so badly that I barely heard the rest of the conversation.
I suppose it was her turn for a long "Pause".....

I now believe those pauses serve for the brain to assimilate the words of bad news. The shock to ones mind is enormous with certain words arranged in a sentence that convey to ones mind the revelation of a event that you dread or will not face.
Its almost odd how a physical reaction occurs to words..... little harmless words spoken over a telephone! I honestly don't remember much about that phone call. I don't remember all the little details, or specifics, or my favorite 5 W's. (Who, What,Where,When, and Why?)

I just remember hanging up, and feeling nauseated, and putting my face down in my hands as I cryed and cryed right there at work. I knew then and there I had to find a way to stop this deployment. I didn't know what I would do. But, I had to do something. I was NOT going to accept the possibility of loosing my one and only daughter to a ill fated war.

I became deeply troubled in my spirit after that phone call. Every day seemed grey and dismal in the bright blue Arizona sky's. Not much mattered except this unwavering sense of doom.
The war reports about the suicide bombers became more vivid and closer to home. I dreaded the nightly news and the faces of dead soldiers showcased over their news broadcast's.

I cried at every recollection of a brave, but dead soldier. I carried a horrible dread deep inside of me. It would not leave me alone. I couldn't stop worrying about my daughters future. I imagined the worst over and over. A pretty, young, smart, blue eyed, blond journalist, captured by the enemy......beheaded, and on a news reel made by some crazy Iraqi enemy.

The images loomed uncontrolled in my minds eye.

I couldn't concentrate at work, nothing consoled my doom.
Finally, I realized I had to DO SOMETHING! I had to TRY to do something.
The only thing I felt that I could do, was to appeal to my President. I couldn't talk to a military commander, or General or anyone important like that, but I COULD appeal to MY president'!


Julieanna interviewing "somebody?"

So I did!
I appealed to TWO 'Commanders in Chief. One here on earth, and the other in the Heavenly Place.

For the one here on earth, I decided to write him a letter. I wrote about #200. I sent a photo copy of my daughter in uniform with the letter of appeal, and sent out about 3-8 letters everyday, in a continuous manner, until they ran out.
I looked up the White House web site, and flooded their "comment" section with appeals to spare my daughter. I also posted her picture there as well.

The second Commander in Chief was deafened by my "Pounding on Heavens Door" ......
never mind, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKING ON HEAVENS DOOR...... I pounded it down.
As the news of the immanent deployment got out to the family, I know others were helping me pray as well.
But, since this is my story, I will tell you what I did!

~The summer was passing. My daughter planned her "last vacation" to Thailand. She wanted to go ride the Elephants.
She did get to ride the Elephants................
She returned from Thailand...................
Still NO news on her impending deployment.............
Still NO news for the anxious family back home in the states.............

Still NO nothing.

Back home, crazy mom kept up pounding the earthly Commander in Chief.......
everyday, sending more and more letters. Posting on the website over and over. It became my side job, and helped to dispel some of the doom. At least I was trying my best to spare my daughter.
You see, she would have been sent to the war as a "Combat Camera" journalist. That means she would have rode with the troops in the heat of the fire. She would have taken all the pictures of the dead and blown up soldiers. She would be responsible for the gory stories being documented for the death count. She would be making all the videos of the blown up guys....

I knew that NO woman should ever do that job. And, if she had to, she would never be the same again.
I pleaded to the President to just take me! I pleaded to God, to spare me my only daughter.
Then one day, I got a letter from the White House.
Of course it was a pre-typed letter consoling me as a mother to a soldier................. but, it was something! Then the ominous letter from the Pentagon came a few weeks behind the White House letter.
OH DEAR...
I was a bit hesitant opening it. But, it basically was a kiss off letter, telling me to mind my own business. I didn't know if I could accomplish anything for Julie, but, I felt better trying. Actually, she didn't know I was doing this at all, and would have been horrified at me. I was a good stealth mission mom!
Time passed............. and NO NEWS!
The deployment date was approaching.
and still NO NEWS.?

Is NO NEWS, GOOD NEWS?
Well, in this case yes it was!

One morning, kinda off the cuff, Julies superior in command offhandedly commented that her unit was "pulled off the rotation list for deployment".
WOW! I knew the hand of God had moved this time. The Doom left me, and I just knew it was all going to be OK....from here on out.

I like this story, because it proves that not all "Long Pauses" will turn out for the worse, and it renews my faith in prayer and persistence.
Julie eventually came back home to the USA, is now in College on a Green to Gold Scholarship, and will graduate an Officer. I pray that this title will elevate her from ever having to see combat first hand. I may be selfish, but more than that, I am a mother. No mother wants to see her daughter face combat....

But, to all the troops that were and are deployed, May Gods Peace and Safety go with you.
May you have someone out there that cares and prays like a true military mom should!